Feckin' Spam!

Added:18.03.06 - Updated:18.03.06

I hate spam... you hate spam... we all hate spam! So why are we still getting shitloads of it in our mailboxes? Well just for the hell of it, and also to make new material for the site... I decided to make the following situation:
What if... I run through the contents of my spam box, and pretend that these people are actually offering me something that I need? And what if I also pretend that I apply what they are offering? What kind of mutated freak would I become... let's find out! ^_^

*Replaced windows - check.
*I need a fuck friend apparently - Well this is going ok so far...
*Drop the pounds while I sleep!?? They obviously want me to become a skeleton...
*Woohoo I won the Sopranos box set - er yeah.
*Click to save on yourdream car - I'll save more by not clicking.
*Find the right school - Wow university AND school... how will I fit that in?
*Ten pounds lost in tens days - Well yeah my wallet does feel a bit lighter.
*Low cost viagra - So now I'm horny ALL the time... no change there then.
*I'll be your girlfriend - Uhuh... sure you will.
*Make you manhood so big it drags - Wow, what sales technique... Drags, as in, on the floor? How would that be benificial... mix this with the viagra I got earlier on in the list and I'm going to be unconscious 24-7.
*Find your dream date - Finding is not the problem, dating is.
*Build your dream kitchen - Hmmm ok... where though? my flat is small enough as it is...Why do I have to build it anyway? You suck!
*Notebook computer giveaway - Ah, now you are speaking my language.
*Hot Pharmaceuticals 70% off - Ooooh drugs! Wait... each tub is only 30% full.
*Alienware Notebooks - More computers... yep thank you.
*Printer Ink, 75% off - I don't print all that much...
*Get your FREE Rock DVDs - Yeah by free, you mean you want my bank details.
*Let's fuck - What AGAIN!? I don't know if it's a good idea, I'm drugged up and nearly fainting because of my permenant erection that drags on the floor. Yeah giving me back ache too.
*Still time to lose weight for the summer - I'm already malnurished from sleep slimming.
*You're invited... to get laid - Why do I get the feeling that the catch here is that it's a man called Bruce and he is going to punch me in the face, so that I pass out on the floor.
*Discreet Adult sexual encounters - Yeah a little too discreet.
*Supreme Weight loss - OK, for real, I only have the 1 stone left.
*Mature Cam dating - That will be interesting, considering I have no webcam.
*Starbucks treats - COFFEE! O_O I'm fiiiIIiiiIIne honest.
*Wanted screwbuddy - NO I know you only want me for one thing. It's pointless anyway, since I don't have my screwdriver set handy, so I couldn't possibly fix your shelves.
*More stamina and larger erection - No... no more stamina... I dance all night like a loony as it is. And giving me a larger erection is also a bad idea, as everyone else on the dance floor would have to skip as I spin around.

As you can see my junk folder is filled with sex, drugs and Rock n Roll... so applying all the above would turn me into a Rock -Star.

Note: To contact me please use this address: pokeparadox (AT) gmail (DOT) com .
354 carefully trained gerbils are locked in the basements of major oganisations, typing out spam mail.